Your wedding, from when you decide to get married to the very last day of your honeymoon, is designed to be a joyous, fun, happy and memorable occasion for the both of you.
But wedding planning with divorced or separated parents can mean an engaged couple needs to also potentially navigate an emotional minefield of unspoken rules, misunderstandings, hurt feelings, added stress and tension.
For many modern couples, it's increasingly common for one, or both, of them to have divorced parents and even more commonly, they’ve probably not separated on great terms.
Add to this, the increased complications that arise when one of your divorced parents has remarried or is in a new relationship.
Whether they've only separated recently or have been for many years, your wedding can bring up a lot of strong, and sometimes unresolved, emotions for them.
Often this is not only the case for you, your fiancé and your parents, but close family and friends may also experience some of the tension as both parties try to navigate each other, their emotions and the decisions that need to be made in the planning stages and also on the wedding day itself.
It’s no wonder why wedding planning and trying to involve your divorced or separated parents can feel like it creates a lot of added pressure on you.
Planning a Drama-Free Wedding
Enjoying your dream wedding day is still possible without unnecessary family drama stemming from your divorced or separated parents.
Here are a few of our best tips to help make your big day as stress-free as possible for everyone involved.
DECIDE, SET & SHARE YOUR EXPECTATIONS EARLY
Cutting through the sometimes complex dynamics between divorced parents requires forward planning and sensitivity.
Generally speaking, when people are surprised, they’re more likely to bring other unproductive emotions out in the open too, especially on a grand, formal occasion like a wedding.
The key is to be upfront with everyone and to begin your chats as early as possible:
Keep tensions low by openly and honestly communicating your expectations to your parents and your wedding planner (if you have one) at the start of your wedding planning.
Talk individually with both of your parents and be upfront about your hopes and plans for them on your wedding day.
Give a heads-up to your bridesmaids, wedding party, siblings, and other key family members who may be able to help to make any uncomfortable situations a little more bearable in the leadup and on the day.
Think about the pre-wedding gatherings and their impacts too; engagement parties, the hens/buck’s night, bridal shower and wedding dress shopping are also times when you might want to consider the emotional impact of including (or excluding) one parent might have on the other.
GET A GREAT START ON YOUR WEDDING DAY
As you and your wedding party, family or friends prepare on your wedding day, you want to keep everything as EASY, smooth and simple as you can.
Commonly, parents of the couple getting married will join their children during preparations or just before they leave for the church or ceremony venue.
And sometimes, the father of the bride, mother of the bride, or all parents will have a “first look” with their children.
These little moments, gatherings and photo opportunities are traditions or customs that you can choose to participate in, change to suit your personal circumstances, or simply ignore depending on how much they mean to you and your fiancé.
If your parents are expecting to see you before the ceremony (which you would’ve already worked out during that open and honest discussion with them during the early planning stages) you can arrange this by:
having your parents get dressed and prepared in separate rooms or hotels and arranging set times for them to visit you where you’re getting ready, or
have them wait outside your ceremony venue 5-10 minutes prior to your ceremony entrance.
Who gives the bride away?
The traditional bridal march, or wedding ceremony processional, with the father of the bride escorting her to the altar, is a wedding custom that can be difficult to navigate when your parents are divorced.
There are several points to consider:
Do you have a good relationship with your father and feel like he’s the one you want beside you at that moment?
Do you have a stepfather whose feelings may be hurt by the traditional processional?
Will your Mum feel like she should be the one to have the honour of walking you down the aisle?
What if you’re not even walking down the aisle or don’t have an aisle set up for your ceremony?
Ultimately, it’s a decision for the bride, or whoever is walking down the aisle (if anyone is walking down the aisle) to make.
Some modern, and increasingly popular, options include:
Having both your father and step-father walk you down the aisle is one option for modern couples - photo by Lucinda May Photography
the engaged couple arriving at the same time and either walking down the aisle together at the commencement of their wedding ceremony or, greeting their guests as the hosts and enjoying pre-ceremony drinks for half an hour before gathering to start their ceremony (with no processional, as such)
one of the parties to the marriage being escorted down the aisle by a representative that’s not a family member (so as not to play favourites), or
the bride being accompanied down the aisle by both her father and stepfather at the same time, or
the bride being accompanied down the aisle by her father for the first half and her stepfather for the second half to symbolise their relationships.
The key, again, is to have open and honest chats with everyone affected as close to the start of the wedding planning process as you can.
Be sure to communicate who you’d like to have escort you down the aisle with your parents well in advance to avoid awkward moments or misunderstandings during the ceremony rehearsal or worse still, on the wedding day itself.
From readings during the ceremony to toasts at your wedding reception, make sure you give your parents the opportunity to feel involved and valued
GIVE EVERYONE A JOB
Humans are strange; if you give them too much responsibility, they’re unhappy, but contrariwise, if you don’t give them any responsibility, they feel like their contributions, or your relationship, is not valued.
For those parents not included in the ceremony entrance or processional, make sure to give them the opportunity to help with a different, but equally important, job and try to include your step-parents too, if applicable.
From readings during the ceremony to toasts at your wedding reception, ask your parents to help with a task that makes them feel involved and valued during the leadup and on your wedding day.
Other possible on-the-day responsibilities include signing the marriage certificates as your witness, carrying the rings, handing out the rose petals or the order of ceremony, seating guests, singing or performing during the processional (walking up the aisle) or recessional (walking down the aisle).
PLAN OUT YOUR PROFESSIONAL PHOTOS
If you’re wanting professional family photos taken, planning a shot list with your professional photographer ahead of time is a must.
While you’re wanting to make the most of the time you’ve got and want the process to be smooth, you also probably don’t want both of your parents standing next to each other while they’re waiting for their turn.
Have a think about whether or not you want photos of your parents together (this is another discussion that needs to be had well ahead of the day) and if your step-parents and/or your parents’ new partners will be involved too.
Nominating a photo captain, a close friend or relative who knows all of the dynamics of your family, to be in charge of gathering everyone for the professional photos on your shot list is an excellent way TO BE AS EFFICIENT AS POSSIBLE AND ALSO SENSITIVE TO EVERYONE’S NEEDS.
Plan out your professional wedding photos with a shot list and photo captain
GET STRATEGIC WITH YOUR SEATING PLAN
Allocating specific seats for (at least) your immediate families, from the ceremony right up to the reception, means that:
everyone knows where they need to be,
no one is trying to second-guess what you want
uncomfortable interactions are minimised, and
everyone’s anxiety and/OR sense of authority is kept in check.
While traditionally the parents of the couple getting married would be sitting directly in front of their children during the ceremony, having split families means you may want to get a little creative.
Reserving seats at your wedding ceremony for immediate family helps everyone know where they need to be - photo by Renni Maitland Photography
Sometimes it’s appropriate to have all of the ‘fathers’ and their new partners (if applicable/appropriate) on one side of the aisle and all of the ‘mothers’ (if applicable/appropriate) and their new partners on the other side of the aisle.
Putting siblings, grandparents, aunties or uncles between the divorced parents works well too.
For your wedding reception, a simple sweetheart table for the newlyweds (and your wedding party, if you choose) means that your divorced parents can sit on separate tables with other family members and not feel left out or unimportant.
The less they need to interact, the less there’ll be to worry about.
Be strategic with where you seat your divorced or seperated parents
WHAT ABOUT THE FATHER-DAUGHTER DANCE?
One of the most anticipated and emotionally charged moments of a wedding reception is often the moment when the father-daughter and/or mother-son dance is announced.
It can be nostalgic and heartwarming for your wedding guests to witness the public display of the close bond you share.
If you share a close bond, that is.
Your decision whether or not to participate in this custom comes down to one simple question:
does this tradition mean anything to you and/or your fiancé?
If you feel it’s a meaningful and special custom that you’d like to incorporate into your wedding day, then it’s another discussion to be had with all of the parties involved.
Make sure you discuss this with your DJ, MC and wedding planner before your wedding day too so everyone is aware of your decision and no well-meaning, but poorly received, announcements will be made on the night.
If you choose to dance with both your father and stepfather, make sure to let all parties know and allot plenty of time for them both to dance with you. There are no favourites here.
BE MINDFUL OF YOUR PARENTS’ FEELINGS
Even though the wedding day is your day, it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. If you value your relationships with your parents and/or stepparents then it’s important to be sensitive to how they feel.
Give everyone ample time to process their feelings and step away from your wedding planning, or your parents, for a while if you need to. This can really help to give you a little perspective when strong initial reactions to your decisions are hurtful. Keep as calm as you can and try not to get caught in the middle of any high emotion or drama.
Of course, if a disagreement breaks out between your parents, try not to take it personally. Always remember that their conflict most probably will have very little to do with you and that their marriage is not your marriage.
Assure your parents by reminding them that the reason you’re having these uncomfortable discussions now is because you love them both so much and want them to enjoy your wedding day as much as you will.
