When you're trying to decide who you want in your wedding party there are dozens of conflicting priorities to consider:
Do I need an equal number of bridesmaids to groomsmen? (no)
Who should I pick as my maid of honour (and/or best man)? (whoever you want to, but equally, you don’t have to have one)
How many bridesmaids are too many? (1 more than the number you really want)
It's no surprise that you're having a hard time choosing your bridal party. But not everyone should get a seat on your bridal train (toot toot)! Picking one person over another carries a fair amount of social expectation, and sometimes, even consequences too.
When you're trying to decide who you want in your wedding party there are dozens of conflicting priorities to consider:
Should your sister be your maid of honour (family before all else)?
Should your squad be all women (or at least female-identifying)?
Should all of your bridesmaids wear the same dress?
At Unbridely, we believe that your wedding should not only look good but FEEL awesome too.
We believe that choosing your bridesmaids (or bridesdudes, bridesmen, wedding party, wedding squad, team <YOUR NAME HERE>) should fill you with a sense of excitement, gratitude and love.
Once you've got a draft list of your candidates, ask yourself these key questions before you start proposing;
What are YOUR expectations?
What level of financial contribution (money), attendance (which events must they come to), and attention (do you want to chat with them once a month or once an hour about your wedding) do you expect from your bridesmaids?
Bridesmaid's duties can be far ranging, which is a hangover from a long time ago, so it all depends on how far you want to take this; it's your own, make it work for you!
Deciding on these expectations and even writing them down at this stage means that you’ll have a clear understanding about what you want.
In the lead up on the day and beyond, you'll be crystal clear in your own mind what it is that you expect your bridesmaids to do.
These expectations can be broken down into 3 categories:
Pre-wedding
agreeing on finding, trying on, and/or paying for an outfit, getting hair and makeup done, finding and purchasing shoes, jewellery,
attending and/or organising and/or paying for the bridal shower, and the hen’s party,
attending pre-wedding events like your engagement party, wedding ceremony rehearsal, and rehearsal dinner, dance rehearsals
wedding planning catchups,
arranging and paying for a wedding gift as a group,
general wedding planning, ideas and advice,
pre-wedding logistics, who's staying where, and doing what, and
general emotional support.
WEDDING DAY
helping you get ready and touchups throughout the day,
knowing what the schedule is, your timeline, and keeping everyone on track,
helping with providing an emergency kit and using the emergency kit,
ensuring that the newlyweds are well fed and well watered,
performing a dance,
bathroom buddy,
photo captain (being in charge of the photo shot list and collecting the different combinations of family members and friends for the official photographer.
POST-WEDDING
gather the gifts, get them home and catalogue them,
clean up the venue,
attend post-wedding recovery events
attend a video screening or photograph share event.
The potential list of responsibilities is absolutely huge!
So you've really gotta ask yourself, is all of that reasonable to expect? And if not, or if you're not having certain pre and post-wedding events, what is it that you are wanting and expecting from your bridesmaids? It all starts with you.
2. Are they supportive?
Often wedding planning comes with a truckload of responsibilities and checklists. In the lead-up and on the big day, you're going to need more help than at (almost) any other time.
Most of the fun, anticipation and excitement comes from sharing your wedding experience with the ones you love.
When choosing your bridesmaids, it's essential to choose friends or family who'll be supportive of you, your fiancé and your decisions. Helpful bridesmaids can help to ease the weight of wedding planning.
Before you pick your bridesmaids, consider these two important qualities;
Easy-going
Your bridesmaids need to be tolerant, friendly, and easy-going. They should be someone you can easily talk to without having to censor your words. They are not quick to anger. They are good listeners, positive, and, most importantly, invested in your happiness.
Reliable
Will your bridesmaids be there when you need them?
Can you trust them?
Are they accountable?
Can you delegate tasks and be sure that they'll complete them well and on time?
If the answer to any of these questions is 'no', you might want to rethink your choice of bridesmaid.
3. Will they be committed?
Are your bridesmaids readily available to engage in and commit fully to your wedding?
If their work is particularly demanding or they have other urgent priorities, like family, pregnancy, or study, they may not be the best fit. Friends who live far away may have difficulty participating in the activities and events you have planned.
It doesn't need to be nasty or get personal either. Sometimes your lives are going in different directions and that's okay too.
Other things to take into account include;
Time
Planning and celebrating a wedding takes time.
With activities like wedding dress shopping and fittings, bridal showers, bachelorette parties, rehearsal dinner and recovery brunch, being a bridesmaid is the equivalent of a part-time job.
If having your squad by your side at these events is important to you, choose bridesmaids who have the time.
Money
Weddings are a social ritual and a celebration of a rite of passage in a couples' life. The customs and traditions of marriage are elevated from the everyday with relatively extravagant displays of hospitality, attire, experiences and gifts. In short, weddings are not cheap and being asked to be a part of someone's wedding party means you'll need money.
When you add up the cost of the bridesmaid’s dress, bridal shower, bachelorette party, hair and makeup, travel, accommodation and gifts, bridesmaids can be up for $900-$3350.
Just for the pleasure of being one of your favourite people.
If the monetary cost of being your bridesmaid is too much, it can result in tension and resentment.
4. Is this my choice?
When it comes time to pick your bridesmaids, there's every possibility your fiancé, friends, and even family will want to make their opinions heard too. Sometimes, they may even suggest who you should choose as your bridesmaids for your wedding day.
I've said it once and I'll say it again; obligation never works.
While many will have suggestions and recommendations, you need to be honest and clearly communicate what you want. This is also great practice for marriage.
Including someone in your wedding party because you feel you should is a recipe for hurt feelings later on.
Make sure you are choosing them because you want them to be included.
5. Will they still love me tomorrow?
The people who you have long-term relationships with are more likely to still be around after your wedding day too.
If you can't picture being good friends with your bridesmaids in 5 or 10 years' time you might need to remove them from your list.
Other signs that your friendship isn't as strong as you think might be:
Inconsistent communication
The frequency and quality of your communication matters.
New friends
Someone you've only known for a relatively short amount of time is an acquaintance. Will they still be interested in your happiness when they move away or change jobs?
6. Will they make our wedding even more special?
Are the bridesmaids you choose going to make your wedding celebrations more memorable and fun? If they are likely to be negative or passive-aggressive, it might be best to exclude them.
Your wedding day should be your happiest day and shouldn't be ruined because of an insensitive bridesmaid.
If any of your friends are always spreading negative energy, they will never make your wedding party fun. Do not hesitate to keep them out of your bridesmaids.
Final Thoughts
Choosing your bridesmaids is an important part of your wedding planning. You want the bridesmaids you choose to enhance your experience, help you and support you.
But even more so, you want to make sure that the friendships you carry into your married life are strong, positive and healthy too.
You deserve nothing less.
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