Adapted from Ep#16 of the Unbridely Modern Wedding Planning Podcast
Let me guess, is writing your wedding vows the one task still slipping further down your to-do list?
Firstly, you’re not alone! While engaged couples love the idea of writing their own vows, they can often get quite flustered by the thought of actually doing it. I’ve got you! I will share everything you need to know about writing the perfect wedding vows – you’ll be penning your heartfelt thoughts in no time. Plus, read to the end for my pro-vow-writing tips.
*Unbridely is sponsored by its readers. When you purchase products or services through links on our website, we may earn an affiliate commission.*
What are wedding vows, and what is required?
Wedding vows are the pledges or promises two people make to each other during a wedding ceremony.
However, they aren’t required for all marriage ceremonies, and certain ceremonies will have different requirements.
If you’re having a religious ceremony, seek the advice of your minister, priest, rabbi, or faith leader about what’s required.
Alternatively, if you’re having a civil or non-religious ceremony, check with the governing body in your country, state or province to determine the requirements.
If in doubt, Google it. Chances are if you’re wondering what is required, couples have also had the same questions.
Remember: In most cases, it's your responsibility to determine the religious and/or legal requirements for your particular circumstances.
In some situations, reading your own personal vows you’ve written yourself won’t have a place in the marriage ceremony. If that’s the case, but you’re still keen to include personal vows on your big day, I recommend writing a card or a letter where you can express all your beautiful thoughts and feelings, to give to your fiancé on the morning of your wedding.
In Australia, all couples having a civil, non-religious, legal, or commitment ceremony have the choice and opportunity to write their own unique wedding vows. This is in addition to the legal vow sentence required by law in all states and territories in the Commonwealth of Australia by the Marriage Act of 1961.
Why write your own vows?
Writing your own unique wedding vows allows you to express your feelings for one another creatively. It’s an opportunity to make your fiancé feel truly seen, appreciated, and adored. For most modern couples, this is one of the few times to capture these thoughts creatively in a meaningful and lasting way, and it can be an unforgettable experience for both of you. It becomes one of the highlights of your wedding ceremony and a foundation of your relationship.
Sometimes, because the vow-writing process can be one of the rare times you stop to really consider your feelings, your history and your future life together, it can also freak you out a little.
BUT…there are ways around it.
If you're genuinely freaking out about saying your vows in front of everyone, there's no need to make your wedding day the first time you say them to each other.
You could consider reciting your vows to each other beforehand (there’s no rule saying your big day has to be the first time you recite your vows!)
Or you could opt for the card option, where you write your personal vows on a card and only say the legal sentences during your ceremony.
One of my all-time favourites is putting your personal vows in a letter that's read in silence in the presence of your guests during the ceremony. It can create a special private moment during the ceremony.
Remember that your vows are about you and your fiancé – have a little confidence in your love and relationship. I promise you, you've already got everything you need, I’m just here to give you some guidance to pull it all together.
Ready? Deep breath. Let’s go!
1. The length of your vows
Nothing is more awkward than when someone unintentionally upstages their fiancé with pages and pages of loving promises after their partner's vows took 10 seconds. It's the worst. Not only does the couple feel uncomfortable, but the guests do too.
Before you put pen to paper – or finger to phone – you want to think about and discuss with your fiancé what length you want your wedding vows to be.
Remember, you might want them shorter or longer for various reasons.
If you're planning a really long and detailed speech later at the reception, your vows may be slightly shorter. But, if you're not doing a speech at your reception, you might decide that you want your vows to be the place for all your stories, feelings, and creativity, meaning your vows will be a little longer.
There is no right and wrong, and you don't need to work out an exact word count. Just give each other a rough guide. For example, you might say: no shorter than eight sentences, no longer than 12.
The goal is to complement each other in terms of length.
Bonus tip: print your vows to keep as a memento or keepsake.
2. The tone
Next is the tone, the vibe. There is no wrong tone, but when one partner writes romantic and super gushy poetry and the other is to the point sarcastic, it doesn't feel great for the couple or the guests. You want your vows to connect and feel harmonious.
It’s also common that one partner can express themselves more easily and freely than the other, so agreeing to a couple of loose parameters can help you maintain the same tone.
For example: if you’re having a black tie wedding with 150-odd conservative guests dressed to the nines in a super fancy location, you could perhaps skip that sexy story about your adventure in Bali!
If you want to include some humour, decide to what degree might be appropriate – and consider your Nana’s dodgy heart. You want to be respectful of your guests (especially if there are kids at your ceremony).
And if you’re a laugh-per-minute couple, just go for it. This is your chance to express your relationship, so if you’re both on the same page – then do it!
The key is to agree on what tone you’ll use, otherwise, it your vows can really fall flat.
3. Include stories
You two have history – draw on it. The laughs, the misunderstandings, the misadventures, the quirks, the triumphs. Share a little of what it’s like to be in your relationship.
Stories are engaging. Don’t be afraid to put a little light-heartedness into your vows. Your guests will love hearing never-before-heard of stories about your relationship and journey together.
4. Focus on what you love about your partner
What do you love about them? And, remember, this is different to what they do for you. You want to really let them know what their best qualities are, what makes them so incredibly special and lovable.
5. Your promises
What do you want to promise them? How do you want your marriage to go day by day? How do you want to support them? And what about the future? What are your plans or dreams as a couple?
Tell your fiancé what you’re excited about, what lights you up and remind them that the best is yet to come.
6. Write a first draft – then edit it
Write yourself a first draft, then go back to check the length and tone guidelines you’ve set and see if it aligns.
You might need to renegotiate the length and tone guidelines if it doesn’t suit what you really want to say. Or maybe it’s worked for one of you, but not the other. Work together to get a cohesive tone and length to each set of vows.
7. Sit on them for a while
Finish your proper draft, then sit on them for a while. I'd recommend returning to it to see how it reads in a week or two.
Sometimes couples want to go back and make minor changes; other times, they’ve nailed it on the first go. But either way, by sitting on it, you’ll know whether you’ve got it right or they need more work.
8. Share them with your officiant or celebrant before the wedding
Share them with your officiant or celebrant before the big day. Why? So they can prepare palm cards for you to read from – because no, you will not remember them by heart.
In my experience, I've only had one couple in over 900 who have ever memorised their vows. It doesn't make it more romantic or show that you really mean it – it just means you're an actor who can learn lines.
You want to focus on giving those words life as you say them and holding space for your fiancé as they hear them. While it might not be the first time they’re hearing them, it will be their first time they hear them declared in a wedding ceremony in front of all your friends and family. Don’t underestimate how this can shift the tone and how they feel!
And I find, if you’re trying to remember the words, it can be hard to say them with feeling. Give them the attention, space, and time they deserve.
Pro tips:
Start writing your vows as early in the wedding planning process as possible – please don't leave them to the last minute. This will also give you plenty of time to edit and practice them.
Read your vows aloud a few times – it will help you with phrasing and pronunciation, getting the nerves and tears out, and seeing what flows and what doesn't.
If you’d like more help with your vows, download the Unbridely ebook How To Write Wedding Vows That Don’t Suck which features a workbook section, plus prompts, sentence starters and ideas to help you.
Having problems with crying while you're saying your vows? Listen quickly to EP 6 of the Unbridely Podcast (7 strategies to help you not cry at your wedding) for some helpful pointers.
Once you've got your perfect wedding vows, make two copies of them. A large font version that’s easy to read and hold to use during your ceremony, and some pretty ones that you can keep as a memento to look back on for many happy anniversaries to come.
Writing your own vows can make you both feel the most loved, understood and appreciated you've ever felt in your entire life.
And while most married couples will tell you that they loved the process of writing their own vows, it’s not uncommon for the pressure of perfection to see it stuck on the to-do list until the last minute or, even worse, the idea gets ditched along the way. But penning your own vows is a beautiful way to record your heartfelt thoughts and feelings about your relationship and a once-in-a-lifetime chance to share them with your loved ones.
With these few tips and by really focusing on your feelings for one another, you can help ease some of the pressure and get your creative juices flowing.
Like your relationship, your vows don’t have to be perfect – just perfect for each other.
