Adapted from Ep#6 of the Unbridely Modern Wedding Planning Podcast
One of the most common concerns that engaged couples have about their wedding day is the level of emotion and, more specifically, how they’re going to control their crying.
So first up, if you’re a little worried, I need you to know; you are not alone.
There are so many different and really good reasons why people cry on their wedding day, and 9 times out of 10 it’s through sheer happiness. The overwhelming sense of togetherness of family, friends, and community, feeling understood. They’re all warm, beautiful, embracing, and overwhelming emotions, especially when you have a great group of family and friends right beside you.
And it’s completely natural for you to feel all of these feelings on your wedding day and for you to express it by laughing, shouting, getting a little bit nervous, having butterflies in the tummy, all the things…
The good news is, there are some steps you can take to feel more in control and to minimise those embarrassing snotty snorts through the microphone (yes, they get amplified too!).
Of course, when you’re reciting your heartfelt vows we don’t want to stop those feelings, that’s the whole bloody reason why you’re there! But, there is a fine line between expressing yourself authentically and maybe ruining the moment.
Now, I need to put it out there that this is not professional, medical advice on crying, I’m not a doctor or psychologist, or counsellor. What I am is a celebrant with over 900 wedding ceremonies under my belt and I have seen firsthand how couples react in these situations.
What I’ve noticed is there’s a tipping point between being open and vulnerable and really not being able to hold back sobs and that real outpouring of emotion. When that tipping point occurs, the person who is crying is no longer really able to absorb anything from others and that’s when it becomes a bit of a problem.
You’re not listening, or observing, you’re not taking things in anymore. Your makeup is a mess, your lashes are swimming down you’re cheeks, and you’re not able to absorb what is going on. And this is your ceremony and when you’re in that state the day will go by in the blink of an eye and you’ll be unable to retain a lot of the ceremony to your memory because you’re not really present during it.
And having your wedding day in your long-term memory is so beneficial! As a married couple, you’ll have hard times, and remembering it all means you can look back and think “we said those words, we did that thing! We loved each other so so much and we can get through”.
So, we absolutely want you to feel, but drowning in a river of your own tears, that’s the line, can we agree?
Disclaimer before I jump in, these are realistic techniques you can try. So, if you are of the belief that sedating yourself or pinching your arm to distract you is the way to go, I don’t think this is the blog for you. But, if you are a little nervous, have some butterflies, and would prefer not to have these get out of control then read on!
Strategy 1: Choose the right vendors
Hire vendors who are sensitive and experienced.
In particular, your makeup artist, hairdresser, photographer, and celebrant/officiant. These people need to know what they’re doing, and where the pressure points are in your day and timeline.
Look for vendors you can relate to and have a laugh with, and whom you can easily communicate with. Because if you have that, there’s a great chance you’re going to feel comfortable with them on the day and they can help keep the mood light and manageable and the day cruising along rather than being testing and pressured. We don’t want that.
Strategy 2: Consider a First Look/Touch/Prayer
Breaking tradition or challenging others’ expectations can be scary, but this one might just help.
Chat with your photographer about having photos taken in private before the ceremony. It can be very romantic but also a very practical addition to your day as it frees up your timeline to spend an extra hour with your family and friends after your ceremony. It may also help settle some of your nerves and in turn, ease your tears.
A first look is pretty straightforward, your photographer captures you and your fiancé seeing each other all dolled up for the first time.
The first touch I have seen people do it around a corner, through a window or back to back and it’s still keeping the first look a surprise but feeling each other’s touch and chatting with each other prior to your ceremony.
And a first prayer is when you don’t see, or touch each other, but hear each other’s voice while you say a prayer before your ceremony begins. It still has the same effect, of connecting you both and feeling more calm and in the moment.
Strategy 3: Design a Well Padded Wedding Schedule
You’ll be working on your wedding day timeline with all of your vendors in the lead-up and planning phase.
So be sure to factor in extra time to be with each other and to reflect and absorb what’s happening (or just happened) and what’s going on around you. Take it all in.
In doing this, you lift the pressure valve throughout your day, on what can be an absolute pressure cooker situation. And there’s nothing that triggers tears like being late, running out of time or freaking out that it’s all going past too quickly.
Truth.
Strategy 4: Have a Wedding Ceremony Rehearsal
For those couples who are already a little anxious, just do it.
It will make all the difference to how you feel on the day.
If you can rehearse onsite at your ceremony location at the same time of day in the exact spot you will have the actual ceremony, it will make things feel very real and eliminate that element of surprise and many of your big feelings on the day.
There are also lots of tiny factors which might trip you up on the day that you can go over then. Like, hearing your voice through the microphone (yuck! right?) or what if your aisle walk or processional is extra long and your song doesn’t go for long enough?
Having a run-through of your ceremony can help to alleviate some of those anxious feelings that might make you feel uncomfortable or unsure about how things are going to go.
Strategy 5: Keep Well Fed Throughout The Day
Stay with me here, it’s important.
Arrange catering ahead of time or put someone in charge of making sure there is a supply of fresh, healthy, low-GI food to keep you fueled throughout the day.
Most wedding parties are up at the crack of dawn and spend hours getting hair and makeup done, and often everyone is super excited and a little nervous. And so they tend not to eat, especially if nothing is prepared in advance.
You don’t want heaps of sugar because what goes up must come down and you don’t want to be crashing from your sugar high at around 3 pm, just before you’re due to walk down the aisle. You want to keep your energy levels sustained, so we’re talking fruits and nuts and crackers and dips and heaps of water!!
I don’t want to hear the excuse of needing the toilet because I guarantee your fiance would rather wait a little longer for you than have you faint at the altar!
Strategy 6: Have Great Music
I’m not talking about the ceremony or reception - I know you’ve got that covered. I’m talking about when you’re getting ready!
Make a wicked playlist with upbeat, singable songs (or whatever relaxes you most, go for Metallica if that gets you zen-like) and crank that up during the getting-ready stage. We really want all the elements of your day to be pulling in the right direction to have you feeling your very confident best up the front!
Strategy 7: Limit Alcohol (controversial, I know!)
Yes, you read that right. As I said earlier, I’m not a doctor or psychologist, or counsellor, but while a cheeky glass of champagne or a beer can be a helpful leveller for some, there are others who’ll be swaying at the altar.
Only you know your limits but you need to keep in mind the legal requirements of marriage in your state and country. You don’t want to risk your ceremony not being legal.
So, keep it to one drink to ease the emotions a bit, and don’t go too much the other way.
With all this being said, should these strategies NOT stop the deluge of happy tears, then here are a few extra tips to keep in mind:
Have the best waterproof mascara and setting powder you can afford. Be open and frank with your makeup artist at your trial - they’re all over it, they’ve seen it many a time, and can give professional recommendations to keep you looking fresh throughout the day.
Use inside jokes with your fiancé to calm your nerves. Every couple I’ve met has some word or joke that makes them smile or laugh. If you can feel your emotions becoming overwhelming say the word, or get your fiance to say it, tell your celebrant, whoever, and use it to lift that pressure valve in the tough moments.
Distract yourself. You can do this by pushing your tongue to the roof of your mouth. You really can’t cry while you’re concentrating on that!
If you have closed shoes, wriggle your toes - a sneaky way to fidget without making others nervous, plus it helps blood back up into your poor little oxygen-starved brain.
Pick a spot on the horizon or your fiancé’s earlobe and concentrate on that.
Slow meditative breathing, deep into your stomach and releasing the breath slowly can help calm and focus you too.
Keep in mind that your wedding will feel unlike anything else that you’ve experienced in your life to date, it’s a bit of a rollercoaster. Anticipation. Joy. Relief. Mixed with surges of love and pride and contentment and all of that is what makes a wedding amazing. So, if all else fails, let it go.
And after 900 wedding ceremonies, I can guarantee you will live to tell the tale.
